Something personal

I´m not going to show you pictures in this Post, instead i´m going to write something and I guess it´s going to be pretty long and defiantly some deep shit so be prepaid or something.

I´m 3 Month and 14 days now in Sweden and I guess i´m kinda stuck in my "depressed" phase now.
As much as I love and appreciate my life here in northern sweden, I can´t thank the people enough who where there for me when I started to freak out and I just can say it over and over again, a massive THANK YOU to my Host Family making this year possible for me and support me by every step i´m taking I can´t thank you all enough for what you´ve done for me, but as I said as much as I love it here the more it hurts thinking of Home. My life here in Sweden is so different and before I came here I never realized what a great Life I had. I was surrounded 24/7 by people I love with all my heart. I was never by myself I always had someone behind my back or by my side and I never realized it or really appreciated it. Since i´m here in Sweden I feel like my whole life everything was taking away from me without warning and or preparing. I decided to make an Exchange year because I needed a change, because I wanted myself to change and I wanted to give  the people I love space to change as well. But still I hoped inside that nothing will change that I will return and just go back into my normal life. I will come back in 6 Month and for sure nothing will ever be as it was and that thought kinda scares me. Since the winter came now and the early darkness, I started thinking a lot about stuff and the thought that nothing will be as it was when I left freaks me out. I could scream, lough and cry at the same time. Some of you might realized that I avoided the question "how are you" the truth is, I don`t know, I have no Idea I guess this is the culture shock thing or at least I hope it is. I just can´t handle it being by myself all the time because i`m not used to it whenever I´m alone I start to think and I start to ask myself "what if.." what if I staid home, how would my life look now. seeing my friends, my family everybody else moving on and growing up and knowing that you´re not a part of it just hurts so much. I want to be there for you, I want to grow up and move on with you but I can´t and that fucks me up.

All of this is dedicated to my Family´s and my Friends, some individually. (sweden and germany)
I just love you guys so much with all my heart and I feel like I haven´t said it enough or haven´t said it at all. i´m sorry for my behavior in the last months and Thank you so much that you´re still trying to be here for me and that you try to understand. Just Thank you.